Crocodiles, Beaches, and…?


So update time! I am now done with work (insert sad face here) so I’ve just been chillin’ like a villain… u kno how I do. Ok that was awkward. Anyways so update! I have been actually having a great few weeks! Last weekend I went to a crocodile farm!!!! If your mind is currently being blown by how awesome a crocodile farm is, your brain is totally right. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! SO. MANY. CROCS. So freaking awesome! I’m not sure why there is a crocodile farm in the middle of France but whatevs, it kicked a$$.

walking in to haunt your dreamz

just letting you think they are lazy, just asking you to come closer…

american alligator… usa! usa! usa!

Then this week I went to the beach in Toulon. Toulon is a port city and has one of France’s naval bases. I visited it for a day in October and I wanted to go back and get  my bronze on. And you better believe I got my bronze on, or should I say burn on. I am fried but in a good way! Except that I couldn’t wear a bra yesterday because my back hurt too much. The price you pay for beauty. Anyways it was beautiful and the food was wonderful. I ate salmon lasagne which was da bomb diggity. I know it sounds weird but it wasn’t it was awesome. I also saw a submarine, and a LOT of naked old grandmas. A lot. Also I spotted an old man playing volleyball in a turquoise speedo, socks, and sneakers. I wish I had taken a picture.

mediteranean coast!!!

check out that submarine yo!! time for france to get her spy on

gettin my bronze on yo

Well on my last days at school, a lot of my kids wrote me letters/cards/etc. and some of them are adorable/funny. Here are some pictures of them:

this girl drew me with a nicki minaj butt… nice

i’m not sure what is going on here but maybe an american disco party? also “amerique” is spelled wrong… amerque what uppp

titanic…why???

french flag, shark fins (requin is shark in french), and virginie (virginia in french)… maybe this is a modernist interpretation of my trip home?

Anyways I’ll be back stateside in 7 days exactly. WIZZEIRD!!! How am I going to continue this blog in the US? Maybe I’ll get clever up in hurr and start talking about food or something. Not that that is super clever but schwatevz. Anyways

Passports are hilarious


Is it possible to take a passport photo that actually looks good? I think the whole world can agree that it is quite the impossible task, except for those who have the super power of always being beyond perfectly photogenic (I hate you btw). The best anyone can hope for is something that is halfway decent, right? Unfortunately all three photos in my passport (actual photo and 2 visas) make me look like a deranged serial killer/someone in a psychiatric hospital in a straight jacket. I can’t win.

In my actual photo, I’m 17 and clearly I woke up that morning and said “screw you world, I’m a pissed off teenager! ANGST” because my hair is unwashed, and my expression is basically giving the middle finger to the world… awesome. Also I was like 15 lbs heavier than now so thats awesome… naht.

Here I am in 2007 wearing the classic teenage look of "Angst"

So 2009 rolls around and I’m like sweet, time for redemption with my first visa. My goal was to look awesome, or as awesome as you can for one of these things. However I failed to take a photo that qualified for a visa because I apparently couldn’t read a form (I’m super smart if you didn’t notice…). So, long story short I had to walk from the French consulate 1 mile to a CVS to get new pictures taken, at noon, in 98 degree heat and walk back. Also I had blisters from the new pair of shoes that I was wearing. To say that I was not a happy camper is an understatement. This is the picture that belongs to my first visa…

Deranged

The peace signs are a nice touch I think. Groovy doods. So when I get to CDG and I’m like freaking out about them NOT letting me into the country (why? I’m not sure) the guy at customs looks at my passport photo and snorts. THEN turns to my visa and bursts out laughing. He says in broken english, “Ha. Is this you? So funny!” Thanks dude, you just made me feel awesome… and by awesome I mean like an idiot. I said, “Thanks I know it is bad” and he goes, “No, not bad. Great!” I definitely made his day.

So now its like August of this year and I’m like swearing up and down that I’m going to take a GREAT pic. I go to CVS, with hair/makeup/etc. done and I’m like passport photo hit me with your best shot (fire away…) and I take one that is GREAT as far as passport photos go, I’m pumped, I’m so excited, I’m like the customs people can’t laugh at this, I WIN. So I turn it in with my visa app and I’m pumped, forgetting that they took a picture of me at the consulate. My visa comes a few weeks later in the mail and I immediately flip to the back to see my new visa and BAM I’m hit with this:

I look like I just got arrested. Also kind of like a murderous doll.

Thank you France for taking this picture of me and putting it in my visa. Now, all I can do is wait until I get to customs to update you on the reaction of the officer. Hilarity will ensue I’m sure. For the sake of comparison, I’m including a recent, slightly more photogenic photo…

This is as photogenic as its gonna get...